You or me

Actually I have ABI, Acquired Brain injury. Caused by oxygen deprivation at birth (anoxic brain injury is what this is called) and also common among those who have attempted suicide (something I'm not proud to speak about, but that effects are evident). I have been brain damaged since birth. Yup, how about them apples ladies and gents. The parts of my brain they suspected have been affected are the memory parts long and short terms and I'm sure some of my fatigue and slower processing speeds can probably be attributed to that.

For the life of me, I don't understand how people can hear the word 'Brain Damage' and not understand I can't change it. It's not like a broken bone you can't stick my brain in a cast and in a couple months I'll emerge and it will be all better. I understand when other people get annoyed or lose patience with it when I try and explain that I can’t do it. I can’t make my brain do something it can’t do.

And you know what. THAT devastates me. I’m an intelligent person in a shell that seems to only want to make it hard for me. How about THEM apples. Could you eat them apples. Knowing your perfectly capable, you just have to find fifty million ways other than the straight and narrow to make it happen, because people I swear take their brains for granted.

Today all I want to do is cry. Because for the millionth time I’ve tried to explain that maybe there is something I can’t do. And even if you can get me to do it, the amount of work is going to be painful. I’ve already put in a lot of those miles. I’m not sure I’m willing to open up that bottle of pain again. Sometimes I wonder if people understand fully what they are asking me to do. Part of me wants to try just because I don’t want to let anyone down, but how many times can I let myself down. The anxiety of it just twists inside me.

This is the everyday life of someone with an invisible disability. The choose between letting someone else down or letting yourself down. This time I’m afraid to choose. Because will this make me a lesser person when it comes to doing the job I’m training for and loving? Does it mean that I won’t be able to help. This is my life and some days I just don’t know. And the biggest thing and strongest thing someone can do sometimes is admitting that.
-J